I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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