she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
