She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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