I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
