respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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