I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
