Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
