I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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