Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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