I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
