i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
