I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
