I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
