A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
