i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
