drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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