you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
