This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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