did you get engaged???
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
