I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
