It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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