Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize