he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
