in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
