dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
