If that was your dad, he is hot
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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