I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
