I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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