There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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