My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
