3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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