I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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