I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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