His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize