what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
