I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
