Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
