This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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