Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
