i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
