I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
