drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
