I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
