Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
