I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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