Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
