he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize