So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
