And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
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