Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
