Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
