Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
