the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
