More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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