Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
