He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
