you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize