Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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