Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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