I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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