i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
