farters have to be the big spoon...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
